I want you.
I want to make love to you, break bread with you, dance with you, drink wine with you, smoke with you, fall asleep with you, dream with you.
I want to kiss your soul.
After spending the last week or so filled with negative thoughts I have come to realise such a mindset is completely destructive for both my physical, mental and spiritual self. I have neglected my soul and allowed worldly worries and circumstances to blind me. As human beings I believe we are required to consistently remind ourselves of the wider universal picture of things. It can be so easy to become focused on hardships, especially when they seem to pile up into a mound that leaves us feeling overwhelmed and incapable of making any change. Often the components of the mound are able to be addressed effectively when approached with a clear mind and positive attitude but when the dark cloud of negativity and self doubt settles in it can become a vicious spiral that is capable of blinding even the wisest and most gentle individuals. I woke today on a friends sofa feeling somewhat drained from the weeks emotional turmoil yet determined to reconnect to myself and ready to give myself some love and care. In the society in which we live it is often suggested that to love ourselves is vain and selfish. I believe that this is complete nonsense and that we are required to not only love ourselves but to invest time and energy into understanding our own heart and its desires. Its so easy to push this universal need for self care aside and get distracted by day to day situations. Ultimately, all that is truly required of us is to love and receive love. With that foundation we can begin to be a positive influence in this crazy, incomprehensible world. To slow down long enough to recognise and understand the fact that we are simply a microscopic element of the universe is enough to make even the most insensitive, cold hearted individuals to question their lifestyle choices and the effect that they have on the rest of the living world. Sometimes we love and it isn’t ready to be received. This can be painful and hard to comprehend but in such times it pays to stop and consider the long term situation. If something is meant to be it will be. The more in tune we become with the universe the more we begin to relax and let our souls dance with it. Gentle, considered steps towards what is meant to be are the way towards the pure desires of ones heart. Patience, understanding and perspective allow us to see things clearly and shine. It is never attractive to be needy, clingy, anxious or a burden. It is attractive however to be aware, fully present, honest and loving. I am ready to begin looking after myself again, to fall in love with my being (flaws and all) as I believe it is only by doing this that we can ever truly love anybody else fully. Here’s to loving ourselves 🙂
Occasionally we are lucky enough to meet somebody who has the ability to make our insides melt with a few simple words. This is something to be savoured, treasured and appreciated fully. I feel so lucky and thankful just to have the ability to experience these wonderful feelings. There is nothing that compares to them. I am blessed beyond words and couldn’t be more thankful for this life right now. Even if I’m the only genuine person left in the world – I am grateful for knowing how it feels to desire nothing other than to love and be loved in return. I am certain nothing compares. I know I’m not the only one though and that is why I am writing this. Don’t lose sight friend. Stay strong in the face of pain. Something truly beautiful awaits you. Xx
Just read this article on Elephant Journal (which I love) and so many of the points rang true that I felt it was worth sharing on here.
Number 1 has to be my favourite:
The sexiest thing a man can do is listen to me—all of me. With all of him.
Some men don’t listen at all. They just don’t. They talk about themselves ad nauseum and then wonder what happened when I wander away. These men are generally referred to as “douchebags.”
Other men listen in such a manner that they practically collapse into me. They fall all over themselves to “do” listening right, keeping their focus and attention so on me that they lose themselves. In a way, they actually stop listening in their attempt to prove how well they do listen. These men are generally known as “nice guys.”
Either way, not sexy.
Then there is the man who maintains his own core while also holding space for me.
This man has a way of drawing out my deepest truth simply by being fully present. He isn’t thinking about what to say next, whether I still like him, how to get me to stop crying, or what to do now. He’s just noticing me, tracking me, attuning himself to me. He’s letting the moment unfold without trying to control it. And him taking the lead in this way has me stop trying to control it as well. Which feels good.
This man listens to what I’m saying and what I’m not saying; he listens with his body as well as his heart. He listens with his mind, with his emotions, with his curiosity, with his soul. He asks questions when the time is right, because he really wants to understand, not because he wants to coach me to get somewhere else. He listens to all of me, with all of him.
When I am in his presence, my entire being relaxes. I become more gracious, more present, more in flow. I am expressive without being self-conscious.
I am emotional without being reactive. I am beautiful without being perfect. I feel safe, I feel seen, I feel radiant.
In other words, I feel like a woman. With a man.
And that is sexy.
Star star teach me how to shine
Teach me so I know what’s going on in your mind
‘Cause I don’t understand these people
Who say the hill’s to steep
Well they talk and talk forever
But they just never climb
Today I’m going to Erdington in order to shoot a film directed by Ian Emes for Pink Floyd. Managed to drag myself out of bed early enough to dye my 4 inch blonde roots and get into town for 1.00pm (quite the achievement for a Sunday). I have no idea what this thing entails other than it involves some matrix style theme and is being shot on urban wasteland. Got a random phone call off Ian’s assistant last Tuesday asking if I’d be interested in taking part after a brief meeting at the graduate awards last month. I guess its kind of flattering that I made enough of an impression for him to remember me and get in touch. I’m kind of excited about the whole thing despite the fact that it involves acting (which as a photographer obviously isn’t my forte). Its good to be out meeting new people and taking part in exciting projects (especially when it involves a band as huge as Pink Floyd). Just hoping I don’t get there and it turns out to be some creepy porno. That could be awkward. I am in such a weird place at the moment – I have no stable plans, everything is up in the air, change is on the horizon. I’m feeling pretty calm about the whole thing today, my spirit is settled and my mind at peace. I”m making the most of the solitude of the train/bus journeys, need this time to quiet my mind and allow my instinct to be confirmed. I’m ok. The week ahead is probably going to be a difficult one. It will be what it needs to be.
Whilst reading Anam Cara this morning a few passages stood out to me. Such books act as a great source of comfort to me during times of uncertainty and allow me to develop the courage to trust my inner self. So often we are led to believe that we are nothing other than a shell with emotions. We are so much more. Each of us holds inside a universal spirit that is eternal and unfathomable. It is the same power that created the cosmos and the mountains. Its the same force that you feel when you look into the eyes of a loved one. The same pain you feel when sitting with the dying. The same ecstasy you experience when making love to someone who connects with that part of your being. The same comfort you get when relating to something in a book that was written decades ago. Its that feeling of being home and knowing we are all connected via the web of life. I refuse to been downtrodden by those who deny the presence of the soul and the unmatchable power of true love.
“Against the infinity of the cosmos and the silent depths of nature, the human face shines out as the icon of intimacy. It is here, in this icon of human presence, that divinity in creativity comes nearest to itself. The human face is the icon of creation. Each person also has an inner face which is always sensed but never seen. The heart is the inner fave of your life. The human journey strives to make this inner face beautiful. It is here that love gathers within you. Love is absolutely vital for a human life. For love alone can awaken what is divine within you. In love, you grow and come home to your self. When you learn to love and let your self be loved, you come home to the hearth of your own spirit. You are warm and sheltered. You are completely at one in the house of your own longing and belonging. In that growth and homecoming is the unlooked-for bonus in the act of loving another. Love begins with paying attention to others, with an act of gracious self-forgetting. This is the condition in which we grow.”
Over the last few weeks i have come to the realisation that i have to end the relationship I have been in for the past 4 years. It is simply a matter or knowing we want different things out of life and hold such different views on some fundamental issues. There is no hate or bad energy between us which makes it even harder. I love what we’ve had together and don’t regret a second but it would be wrong of me to carry on when my heart is leading me elsewhere. I can’t live a lie and won’t for the sake of us both. I’m scared to let go because I am filled with the fear that nobody will ever love me again if I do. There are so many people that I’ve loved with all my heart that I’ve gone on to loose in one way or another that I’m terrified that will always be the case. I know what its like to be lonely. I know what its like to feel lost and have nobody to turn to. Now I’m choosing to leave the one person who actually wants to be with me. It comes at such a difficult time for the only other individual that means more to me (my mom) is in such a bad place and keeps threatening to leave me. Everything hurts. During 2012 I lost 3 grandparents, 2 uncles and my dad. This period haunts me for it is a sharp reminder of how fragile human beings actually are. How important it is to make the most of the time we are here. After my dad passed away me and my siblings (I’m the youngest of 6: 4 brothers and 1 sister) drifted apart. I was always incredibly close to two of my brothers and still find this detachment really hard to comprehend. The pain of grief does funny things to people and we have to respect the ways in which each individual chooses to deal with those feelings. I resent none of them but miss them dearly. I miss having a family. I’m not angry about how things have turned out, it’s just made me really aware of how quickly people can disappear out of your life. I tried to not let myself become close to anyone for sometime in order to avoid letting go of anyone important again. This wasn’t possible for I fall in love so easily. I adore humans. Their quirks, faults, passions, vulnerability, strength, fragility, beauty. I can’t be cold for the smallest things melt my heart. I know I have to do this thing and I will. I just need to put how I feel in words. In the words of Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter Geraldine – “You naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” That says it all.